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Saturday, January 5th, 2008
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1:34 am - No I'm broke
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I'm sorry :( I'm so poor my dad is helping as of now. But soon when I get my moola I'll go and see you! Promise! PS I have a myspace account Dracos Wing. If you want to keep up with my life! lol
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, October 5th, 2007
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12:33 pm - Dumb blocks.
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Well Caren, from the info I got and reading the pieces of your journal I assume you had a another kid. Grats on both boys and good luck when they hit 9 and 10 lol. Heck, even 2 if they have as much energy as Austin.
current mood:  silly
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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12:10 pm - Only half a year...
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Hey only half a year this time and not 2 years of not typing in here!
Lets see here.
Well, I have 2 weeks of vaction. Hopefully when I have more money I can spend a week in Philly and see all of my lost friends. I am plan that to be sometime in November. I got promoted in Wally World. I am now an APA, Asset Protection Associate. That's fancy talk for a secret shopper or the "guy" that beats up other guys for stealing. I can tell you many story's of all the guys and gals I caught but I don't have time and I want to go play on my 360 woo! I'll write a few story's later but as for now I'm giving you a heads up. YES, I'm still alive!
current mood: cheerful
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 12th, 2007
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9:31 pm - I wish I had Spell check.
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This is to all, and whom to ever wonder what happened to Keith.
Ahhhh, stuff.
Thank you for caring!
No, I'm alive and well. I hope that also goes for my old friends in philly.
I going to make this super duper short, if you have any questions post it!
Alot happened in 2 years. First, I left Karen, woo! I was single for a good 2 months then I started to date a younger(and not to pretty) girl name Kendra. Well, that was a boo boo I mean wow her dad was a pastor. Yeah, Christnot + Holy Man = War. So after 9 months and other bad things I left her. I am now dating Tracey for 10 months now woot! Things are still going strong.
New 2007 Ion, new Apartment (last one was a dump) and new cat.
Sadly all 3 of my cats (Little girl, Divot and Brat) passed away. Little Girl only a week ago. I now have Mischief, and will soon get a new kitty.
Ok thats the super duper uber short version. I'll fill in the details later.
P.S. I got a Puffer too name chubs.
Found spell check!!!!
current mood: calm
current music: Techno!
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
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10:29 am - Holy Crap!
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I still got this? Damn! Well, off to work I should write in this someday.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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7:54 pm - I'm lost What is wrong?
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LeFae04: the onk
LeFae04: only reason why i am here is to say goodbye*
KDraco: I got bad, good, bad, good, good news
KDraco: goodbye*what is with the *
LeFae04: what then
LeFae04: i was correcting my sentece
LeFae04: sentence
KDraco: ah
LeFae04: and i'm shaking so much that i can't type
KDraco: I just thought you was calling me a onk lol
LeFae04: so tell me the news
KDraco: bad news I hae to work next week weekend
KDraco: good news I might be able to have fawn work it
KDraco: the bad news I have to cell phone
KDraco: good news I'll get one tommorrow and call her
LeFae04: well
LeFae04: it doesn't matter now
KDraco: and good news I got my money from work and collage so I will have enough money to buy it and pay off bills
LeFae04: ok
LeFae04: but that doesn't matter
KDraco: oh god work was so long today
KDraco: why not?
LeFae04: maybe you missed my first sentence
KDraco: why you saying goodbye?
LeFae04: because we're over
KDraco: why?
LeFae04: because keith..
KDraco: are you doing this or is it your friends?
KDraco: that is making you?
LeFae04: i've been majorly depressed all night and all day
LeFae04: i've slept most of the day - more than i usually do.
KDraco: did you take your pill?
LeFae04: i feel so weak
KDraco: OH OH!
KDraco: I found out what might be our sleep problem
KDraco: you don't eat cereal or liver past right?
KDraco: paste*
LeFae04: no
KDraco: I forgot the fancy name for it but I think our iron in our blood is why too low
LeFae04: ok
KDraco: and from what I heard cause of that you get very very tired and have a tough time waking up
LeFae04: ok
KDraco: sooo'
LeFae04: if you could see me you'd be shocked at how depressed i am
KDraco: I'm gona buy umm I think they are called iron pills
KDraco: well snap out of it no reason for you to be depressed.... unless you want to be a Joe... He just as bad as you now (but he whines more) lol
LeFae04: i had to take half of an actifed to keep myself from shaking
LeFae04: i couldn't even lift a cup of soda without my hand shaking violently
LeFae04: and i dropped a bowl of cereal
LeFae04: there's plenty of reason for me to be depressed
LeFae04: you're just off in your own little world not seeing the obvious
LeFae04: i'm so numb that i can't feel right now
KDraco: you know what... My hands were shaking all day today I hade a tough time putting a price tag on a box.... I don't know why I was shakeing
LeFae04: actually, i've been like that since last night
LeFae04: i just don't care about anything anymore keith
LeFae04: and i mean it
LeFae04: i've been defeated for the last time
LeFae04: i don't know how long it's going to take for any feeling to come back to me
KDraco: We had a fight? what the big deal?
LeFae04: because it's never lasted this long
LeFae04: and it's our last fight
KDraco: your should take some deep breaths
KDraco: relax
LeFae04: i've been doing that all day too keith
LeFae04: i've been quite calm all day
KDraco: ok
KDraco: ::sigh::
KDraco: ok
LeFae04: except for the last hour or so
LeFae04: which is why i took half of an actifed
LeFae04: i can't spend the rest of my life like this
KDraco: ok
KDraco: say it
KDraco: say you don't love me
LeFae04: no, i do love you
KDraco: then you can't leave me
KDraco: nor would I leave you
LeFae04: but the hurt is just too much for me right now
KDraco: why?
KDraco: Caren it was a stupid fight
KDraco: why you taking it so hard?
LeFae04: it's not just the fight
LeFae04: it's everything
KDraco: everything what?
KDraco: look
LeFae04: i don't care if it's over and done with
KDraco: thats in the past
KDraco: over with
KDraco: I told you many times
LeFae04: i don't believe you
LeFae04: i can feel it
KDraco: I get to have my depressed and confused moments just like you
LeFae04: i can feel it deep down in my heart keith
KDraco: You don't belive me even thos I spent all day tring to paln things so I can see you next weekend... hell I even have something picked uot for a surpise early valentine gift
LeFae04: when's the last time that i was filled with so much hurt that i went completely numb? I mean no questioning it, not caring about a thing, literally numb.
KDraco: I don't know
KDraco: I don't remember
LeFae04: it's been that long.
KDraco: again.. why you feeling so numb its over with
KDraco: pick yourself up
KDraco: take a step foward
KDraco: and dont' look behind
KDraco: never look behind
LeFae04: why don't you understand?
LeFae04: whenver i step foreward i'm just forcing more hurt and pain deep down inside.
LeFae04: i can't do that anymore
KDraco: what?
LeFae04: i can't be forced to move on when i'm not ready to
KDraco: ::sighs::
KDraco: fine
LeFae04: i can't be told what to do anymoer
LeFae04: you don't understand
LeFae04: i push my feelings aside for you keith
LeFae04: and act like i don't care about the hurt
LeFae04: just to make things better for you
LeFae04: but these things, they really do cut deep.
KDraco: ::hugs:: ::Kisses:: Do what you think is best for you.... and remember I love you..... I'll leave you now
LeFae04: no
LeFae04: why be all dramatic about it?
LeFae04: leaving isn't going to change the situation
KDraco: augh
KDraco: what do you want me to do
LeFae04: i want you to..
LeFae04: just keith
LeFae04: this ay be hard for you
LeFae04: may
KDraco: what?
LeFae04: just empty your mind
LeFae04: completely
KDraco: ok
LeFae04: and open your eyes and ears
LeFae04: completely
KDraco: okj
LeFae04: i mean it
LeFae04: it's going to seem stupid to you, but this is my last resort
LeFae04: there's going to be alot of reading for you
KDraco: k
LeFae04: and i don't want you to get frustrated
KDraco: ok
LeFae04: i also want you to try to put yourself in my shoes
KDraco: ok
LeFae04: alright
LeFae04: now i'm going to give you some links
LeFae04: and i want you to read what they are
LeFae04: and see them the way i see them
LeFae04: and try to understand
KDraco: k
LeFae04: i'm serious
LeFae04: this is really important to me keith
KDraco: ok
KDraco: I'm gona try as hard as I can
LeFae04: i want you to let me know when you're done reading each one
LeFae04: and you'll have to log on to your journal.. sorry.
LeFae04: this is going to very time consuming, just to let you know
KDraco: ok
LeFae04: let me know when you log on
KDraco: logged
LeFae04: ok
LeFae04: pretty much, what i'm going to do is give you links to various journal entries from the past to the present
KDraco: ok
LeFae04: to show you how things have changed
KDraco: ok
LeFae04: but first I want you to read this http://www.livejournal.com/users/fallenangelgrl/187724.html
KDraco: dad
LeFae04: oh
LeFae04: i thought he had to work tonight
KDraco: ok done
KDraco: Vick took over
LeFae04: oh
KDraco: next
LeFae04: anything you have to say about that one?
KDraco: ...
KDraco: ok Caren
KDraco: The first day I talked to you I started taking care of you
KDraco: right?
LeFae04: what are you getting at?
LeFae04: ?
KDraco: hold on a sec
LeFae04: I'm sending you another link'
KDraco: k
LeFae04: http://www.livejournal.com/users/fallenangelgrl/3270.html
KDraco: awe thats sweet
LeFae04: http://www.livejournal.com/users/fallenangelgrl/7135.html
LeFae04: these are about you
LeFae04: http://www.livejournal.com/users/fallenangelgrl/7269.html
LeFae04: http://www.livejournal.com/users/fallenangelgrl/7849.html
KDraco: ok
KDraco: you can stop know
KDraco: I know what you are getting at
LeFae04: what then?
KDraco: your LJ will go from first meeting me and being happy cause I cared for you all the way till the end where you are hurt most of the time cause I don't care for you anymore
LeFae04: not necessarily
KDraco: cause I took care for you asked how you feeling and comforted you
KDraco: and I don't do that anymore
KDraco: but thats the large part right?
LeFae04: part of it
LeFae04: yes
KDraco: ::sits back::
KDraco: you wonder why don't do it anymore right?
KDraco: why I don't hold your hand
KDraco: stay on phone and talk to you longer
LeFae04: i know why, but that's not what i want from you
KDraco: what do you want from me?
LeFae04: I want you to be there for me when i say i need you
KDraco: But I'm there for you every morning and night.. isn't that enough?
KDraco: honestly that alot for me
LeFae04: i don't want you to be mad when i say i need to talk to you longer, because i'm feeling depressed and don't want to be alone.
KDraco: I'm not mad...
LeFae04: and if you can't be there for me when i need you.. then why be with you?
LeFae04: when you love someone, you are there for them when they need you.
LeFae04: no matter what, practically.
KDraco: ::looks down::
LeFae04: and you always get frustrated
LeFae04: and that hurts
KDraco: I'm doing it because I love you
LeFae04: keith, that's not love
KDraco: yes it is
LeFae04: pushing me away is not love
KDraco: read this
KDraco: yes it is
LeFae04: no it's not
KDraco: I took care of you alot, saved you from death, tired to comfort you, make you happy.... now I don't do it anymore and honestly I know I don't. I know you feel sad. I know you cry cause you need me or your depressed. I know bad things happen or you miss me. And I use to reach my hand out to you. I've been hard on you, not caring and to your eyes plain old mean. I'm not doing it to fuck with you feelings. I'm tring to show you that you need to help yourself. Do things yourself. Fight emotions yourself. I'm tired of holding you. Your 17 and you can fight now. You do that you will live in this world the best person you can ever think of.
LeFae04: i know that i can fight on my own, but i need to know that someone is there for me and i don't think that's too much to ask for.
KDraco: I'm doing it cause I love you... and I know you can be a better person then on depending on me all the time.
KDraco: I am there for you
KDraco: and when you fight it yourself
LeFae04: i do keith
LeFae04: all the time
KDraco: no you don't
LeFae04: why can't you see that?
LeFae04: look at me now keith.
KDraco: you still never do
LeFae04: look at how strong i am
LeFae04: i did it on my own
KDraco: your stronger
LeFae04: i did it all on my own
KDraco: but you still bgeg for me
KDraco: cry for me
LeFae04: no i don't
KDraco: yes you do! you cried cause I left that one night
KDraco: and you beg me all the time
KDraco: to stay longer cause you feel sad
KDraco: .. and thats every night almost
LeFae04: in case you didn't notice, but my emotions are a little screwed up lateyl, because somebody can't make up their mind.
LeFae04: and you leave anyway, so what does it matter?
LeFae04: i'm talking about those nights when i am being serious and not just wanting you stay longer, just because i don't want you to leave.
KDraco: ok look I can be fucked up at times too.... I settled it out myself... but I did have help from you too for a little while... so I love you for that.
KDraco: oh like I can tell which nights they are caren
KDraco: to me they all sound like begging
LeFae04: whatever
KDraco: ::sigh::
KDraco: I doing it cause I want you to live a real life..... and not this fantasy of me there all the time... I mean honestly we talk twice every day... to alot of people thats alot.
KDraco: and to me thats alot
LeFae04 signed off at 7:27:41 PM.
KDraco: ?
Previous message was not received by LeFae04 because of error: User LeFae04 is not available.
LeFae04 signed on at 7:28:17 PM.
KDraco: stupid comp?
LeFae04: yeah
KDraco: he he
KDraco: ummm
KDraco: ::hugs::
KDraco: ::holds her tight::
LeFae04: keith, you're supposed to the be one i can go to when i need that extra special something.
LeFae04: if i can't go to you, then i have no one
LeFae04: you're supposed to love me and take care of me
LeFae04: and i'm supposed to do the same for you
KDraco: but your extra special someting you use it like overtime
LeFae04: i'm alone here
KDraco: its heated up and melted cause you used it soo much
KDraco: yes
KDraco: and you do something about it
LeFae04: i can't when you won't help me
KDraco: again.. your alone do something and again you don't need me
KDraco: there
LeFae04: you promised me
LeFae04: that you would help me
LeFae04: you promised me over and over again
KDraco: I did and I will
LeFae04: no
KDraco: and I am
LeFae04: you said you wouldn't
KDraco: what when?
LeFae04: getting out of here..
KDraco: I never said I wouldn't
KDraco: never ever
LeFae04: indirectly
LeFae04: you just pretty much dropped it all like it was nothing
KDraco: ok ... your assumeing... don't assume
KDraco: you do that too much too
KDraco: which causes problems for you alot
LeFae04: and if you don't want to help me get there, then i have no reason for going there.
LeFae04: because you're my only help
KDraco: I never said I didnt' want to help you
KDraco: not once
KDraco: again I promise I can help you but again you have to do most of it yourself
LeFae04: and i will when i get there
KDraco: I'm helping you with a hand... you have to do the standing
LeFae04: i will get a job, pay for rent, save up for school
KDraco: ::smirks::
KDraco: then I'll help us find a home
KDraco: I was planning that anyways
KDraco: oh PS
LeFae04: i've told you over and over again that i would get a job and do all of that when i get there.
KDraco: get your lincenes
LeFae04: you first
KDraco: ;p
LeFae04: you made the promise, not me.
KDraco: yea?
KDraco: I know
KDraco: I'll help you with the home
KDraco: ::shurgs:: that is the prob with that? I didn't say I wouldn't
KDraco: anyhow I not talkign about that
KDraco: I'm talking about your feelings
KDraco: the ones I help comfort for way to long
LeFae04: little do you know
KDraco: its your turn to make yourself happy
LeFae04: you think i'm sitting here doing nothing
KDraco: well
LeFae04: i'm trying to graduate from school
LeFae04: which i will
KDraco: not nothing...youe sleep
KDraco: lol
KDraco: thats good!
KDraco: ::claps::
LeFae04: and the only way i will ever be happy is when i get out here
KDraco: I'm proud at you for doing it
KDraco: sotp
LeFae04: i can make myself happy when i leave
KDraco: you can be happy being there
LeFae04: my life will start
KDraco: ::shurgs::
KDraco: usgh
KDraco: I'm tired of this
KDraco: ::relaxs:;
KDraco: You feeling any better?
LeFae04: not much
KDraco: you never feel better ::lies down and roll to her feet::
KDraco: ::looks up at her::
KDraco: You still want to leave me?
KDraco: say goodbye?
LeFae04: i never wanted to in the first place, but things might be better for the both of us.
LeFae04: or maybe just you.
KDraco: ::pokes her leg::
KDraco: If you never wanted to why did you say it right away?
LeFae04: i can't even cry when i need to
KDraco: why cry?
LeFae04: because i'm sad
LeFae04: and confused
LeFae04: and hurting
LeFae04: but it doesn't matter because i can't cry anyway
LeFae04: i automatically shove the feelings down inside now without realizing it
LeFae04: like last night
LeFae04: my body was hurting because of it
KDraco: again
KDraco: why feel that way?
KDraco: there is no reason
KDraco: I have you
KDraco: I think of you
KDraco: thoughts make me happy
KDraco: you have me
KDraco: just think about me..... in your heart
LeFae04: you're mean to me
KDraco: and honestly your mean to me and selfish for me
LeFae04: you were using my honesty against me last night
LeFae04: you push me away on purpose
LeFae04: you play games with me keith
KDraco: augh
KDraco: again I don't play games with you
KDraco: why would I?
KDraco: oh yea I get laughs for hurting my GF
KDraco: why must you assume?
LeFae04: no
LeFae04: it makes you feel like you have control
KDraco: ::smriks::
KDraco: ::sits::
KDraco: my turn
KDraco: look at it from my feet
LeFae04: you're lying at my feet
KDraco: do'oh
KDraco: forgot
KDraco: You have all the control Caren
KDraco: and as soon as I want some
KDraco: you think I am doint it to fully control you
KDraco: and to me
KDraco: you play me
KDraco: alot
KDraco: you cry be upset
KDraco: and make me feel bad to get anything you want
KDraco: and if you don't get it
KDraco: you keep it up
KDraco: and beg me
LeFae04: ouch.. :-(
KDraco: your selfish Caren... you don't belive in personal time, you want me to make you feel better, you hate it and get upset when I do things with friends.
LeFae04: all the more reason why we shouldn't be together
KDraco: That my honesty :sighs:: and I'm sorry it hurts.... but then again you never ask me how my day is. never
LeFae04: http://www.livejournal.com/users/fallenangelgrl/215173.html#cutid1
LeFae04: i don't ask anybody so don't feel like it's just you
KDraco: still can you be caring enough about how I feel? my day? anything about me?
KDraco: you never ask me how I feel
LeFae04: because i know you'll tell me
KDraco: I could be wanting to kill myself and all you knwo is that I'm happy from my vioce
KDraco: no I don't tell you
KDraco: there are days I want to cry
KDraco: and I dont' say anything
LeFae04: well, why would you tell me if i ask you then?
LeFae04: if you don't want to say anything in the first place
and i do try to ask you what's wrong and you tell me "nothing"
KDraco: only when its noticeable you ask.... then I'm to sad to care or I just push it to the side.
KDraco: ....
KDraco: Caren stop
KDraco: ::stands up::
KDraco: ::looks deep into her eyes::
KDraco: I learned alot today, alot about you. Did you learn my feelings and about me today?
LeFae04: yeah..
KDraco: ::smiles::
KDraco: You know an odd thing
KDraco: I'm happy
LeFae04: good
KDraco: and I'm swelling up
KDraco: my eyes are watery
LeFae04: mine would be too if i had a little more feeling
KDraco: ::sits on a chair::
KDraco: ::takes her hand and pulls her on his lap::
KDraco: you do have feeling
KDraco: WE've learn alot caren
KDraco: we can use it to be better for each other
KDraco: ::rests his head on her arm::
KDraco: I miss you and holding you
LeFae04: do you work tomorrow?
KDraco: yes-no
LeFae04: ?
KDraco: if its dead I leave early
KDraco: cause of superball game
LeFae04: :-(
KDraco: ?
KDraco: what?
LeFae04: nevermind
KDraco: you want to see me tommorrow?
LeFae04: it was a stupid thought
KDraco: ::smirks::
KDraco: no its an understandable thought
LeFae04: *sighs*
KDraco: ::hugs::
LeFae04: *hugs back*
KDraco: I'll do my best to see you next weekend
LeFae04: an unrealistic idea is more like it
KDraco: hmm well
KDraco: anyhow I don't have the moeny for it
KDraco: I need to pay off bills and get new cellphone
LeFae04: a completely new one?
KDraco: maybe
KDraco: hmm
KDraco: if I do this right
KDraco: I think
KDraco: on my tax return
KDraco: I can get all my money back form school
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2003
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9:41 pm
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Here goes the story. I have been with her for 3 years now. I love her and she does mean a lot to me. There was a time that I wanted to be needed. But now I gave and care too much. For me it feels like I have to do everything for her and that includes tring to make her happy or trying to give her plans to leave the house and do something. I getting tired of acting like a Parent to her telling her no to drink with supervision or over dosing or even screaming really loud in the mall. I want to be her boyfriend. I want to help her with things not do it for her. Because I am, being more firm on what she should do for herself. I am also getting upset that I am being questioned about where I go and everything. I hate that. I am going to go out that night I am going to go I don’t need to tell anyone where I go. And now making time out just to talk to her more often all I get is a bunch of questions and bad memories. What ever happened to the pleasant conversation? Like how you are and how is your day. Which is ended with nothing. She can kill a conversation in record time. And she wonders why I don’t talk to her. I do and I do try but it is shot down. And whatever happen to the fact that you can ask new question? Why can’t you be considerate enough to ask how am I feeling and doing. And that whole week thing. I spent more time with you and not on the comp ever then before. And there was a lot more hours with you then to the comp so I did my fair share sorry that I can’t spend 24-7 of my time with you. And man does need personal time. But the biggest thing that bugs me the most about you is your no trust to me. That is the love killer right there. I do not even what to be with anyone that does not trust me. Cause if there is no trust there is no love period.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, January 10th, 2003
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3:28 pm - Damn Caren is right..... again lol
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| Saturday, September 28th, 2002
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10:42 pm - Damn right I am mad
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center>
i am extremely intelligent and very wise. i think logically and rhetorically in order to get problems solved. if i'm not mad now, i'm getting very close.
how mad are you?
this quiz was made by piksy</center>
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, September 16th, 2002
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9:18 pm - I wrote an entry!
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| Saturday, August 17th, 2002
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11:15 pm - I love her
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Well.... come to think of it i didn't this in a while. And as I remembered I liked doing this. Karen this journal is to you and you only. I am gona get alot of funny jokes from my friends about how sappy this is but I dont care. And this won't be the end, I am gona do this more often. I'll mail things to you more often. I guess it is time to stpop being lazy and just show you how much I really do love you. I think about you alot. All the time. Thoughts of stuff flows all over in my head. But always sticking out is the thought of you. How much I love you. How much I dream about you. I always wanted to save you from real danger. I always wanted to be your hero. When we hug Caren you might notice my arms normaly go down first. I don't do that cuase I don't want to hug you anymore, if I had the choice I will never let go. I do it cuease for some odd reason my arms get tired a sore in the bending down wraping my arm around your whole body. I love to play with your hair all the time if I had a chance to. I know how much you like it. But I don't do it much cuase I always tug at it and hurt you lol. Those times, when you think I am bugging you and starting at you. But that is just a quarter of it. The thoughts that flow though my head when I stare into your eyes and just the want to see your pretty eyes again are teh main reason. As I stare into you color changing eyes, I see myself and you together forever. I see how lucky I am. I see how happy you make me. And to touch your soft angel skin. I would do it all day. Its so peaceful, relaxing, I feels good to show you my love coming from my finger tips as I slide my hands up and down your picture perfect skin. I feel so good and it makes me so happy. Which bring me to my big thing. Sleeping. Caren You are the only person that makes me feel so happy, so comforatble, so good. You take off all stress. You make me so happy. So relaxed. And that adds up. Which make me sleepy. I am sorry that I do sleep. But you just do so mcuh for me... you take me away from work, school, dad. You give me peace and happyness. My body my mind and my heart is all please and happy. You do so much for me Caren. They only thing I hate. Is that I try and give up to you. I can't do what you do. I try I really do. I want to make you so happy I want to have a 24 carat gold staute of you that is 50ft. tall. I want to do anything to give you what you desreve. Yes you might not notice it. But I'v been lazy. And I guess it is time to get my ass moveing. Stop these stupid bitter fights. You love you Caren. We can do it. For you fill my heart up. And if you go away or leave me. That heart goes with. And I will die. I love you. I lvoe you forever and always. For forever you are in my mind. Infact I have more to write but my 30 min is up. I'll write more before I go to bed tonight. I have to call you and say how much I love you. I love you more then anything. I LOVE YOU
current mood: loved
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, July 10th, 2002
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11:15 pm - Already pissed at working
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Ok I had a very very long day. I have blisters on my hand. I think I might get fired from PJ's... which I kinda hope so. And the bar is just the bar. After 12 hours of working hard I wanted to talk to Caren and spend time with her. She was playing Asherons call. So I played for a while. Then I wanted to talk to her on the phone. Which I did. Dad had to wait for his char, so I was able to play my good char. I wanted to buff Caren, all she had to do is stand still so I can. But no. Then she yelled at me for being a jerk. Well if she look in the mirror she is a bicth during those times. She got all killed and all cuase I wasn't able to make her stronger. That really didn't bug me I just don't want her to make it a habit of doing sucidal runs. I work hard to get her the good stuff. And I take hours of my life to do so. I could be doing other stuff but I want the best for Caren. I'll treat her like a queen almost like a goddess working so hard for her. But when she runs of to get killed and not get her stuff back that I work hours... and maybe days for (some items did take me days to get) Its like why? Why throw away my time so she will just lose it all. I want to so bad for her... I just want her to know that it does mean alot when I put time into it. Alot like art. But to her it is a game. It is, but it is also a game with my time and my effort put into it. I love her to death. I just want her to be more resposeble. I mean yea she can do fun stuff.. hell I saw adam run and jumped off a cliff to kill himself and that was funny. but he did get his body back. I love you Caren but sometime just listen to me please. Anyhow you just added more fusteration to my fusterated day. So sorry for what I did I just wasn't in any mood for any shit. If it was any other day I would of laughed and told you not to make it a habit. But it was that much of a bad day and I wasn't going to put up with your shit today. I love you very very much. If you get this please call me.
current mood:  frustrated
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| Friday, June 28th, 2002
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11:28 pm
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You are 20% evil!
You're pretty non-evil. You're a little bit off of being all good, but you tend to still be orderly and peaceful. You aren't the bad person at all...for the most part.
You are 20% evil! [?]
You're pretty non-evil. You're a little bit off of being all good, but you tend to still be orderly and peaceful. You aren't the bad person at all...for the most part.
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| Thursday, May 23rd, 2002
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3:39 pm - One more
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Ok now I have time I this comp I can finish this one. Right after that last poem I was in the middle of writing this one. Then dad came home! Augh! He didn’t feel like going out tonight. So he took over the comp. Sad part is that I can’t use the old one yet. We are still working on fixing it and putting all the hardware things back in. So I wasn’t able to finish this poem and go on AOL. Hell I went to bed really early! 11 o’clock! I woke up at 4 for some odd reason and walked around. I felt refreshed oddly. But after I walked around I just went to bed lol. Well here is the other poem I was writing. It is still stupid but it has some humor.
Sweetie is better.
Sweetie is better then kitty.
Why?
Sweetie doesn’t purr.
Sweetie doesn’t have fur.
Sweetie has no claws.
Sweetie has no paws.
Sweetie doesn’t scratch.
Sweetie isn’t named Patch.
Sweetie doesn’t hiss.
Sweetie does KISS!
Sweetie is better then Tweety.
Why?
Sweetie doesn’t live in a pine.
Sweetie can say more then two lines.
Sweetie doesn’t say bad ol’ puddy tat.
Sweetie doesn’t have to worry about the cat!
Sweetie doesn’t have wings.
Sweetie can sing!
Sweetie has teeth.
Sweetie love KEITH!
current mood:  depressed
current music: New york groove... don't ask
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
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9:54 pm - I think I got it
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Ok, I know I don’t do much in here. But I was thinking about what Caren told me. And well, I think I understand now hopefully. I do write about her every other week in PJ’s too. Every other Sunday I write something about Caren. Mainly poems. I just don’t really want to show them to any one for 3 reasons.
1. They suck
2. Makes me feel like a pansy
3. They suck
I don’t want to be called fairy cause of them. I hate that name. Even my dad uses that name on me and that is why I hate it even more. It really does hurt. But if anyone says I am a pansy after I write this poem out I’ll go there right away and kick their ass. This poem I took from my secret place. It is a month old and the most recent. Last Sunday I wrote 5 pages in Carens journal and drew a picture. And with my tiny microscopic writing 5 pages is a lot. So I didn’t do poems that week. Hopefully she can come this weekend so I can give her the book and she’ll understand. Well, here is my shitty poem… one part you might not understand… it is an inside joke.
An angel
An angel without wings,
Yet, she is full of love.
And like a dove,
Love is what she sings.
An angel without a halo,
Yet, she is so beautiful.
Near me she strolls,
And makes my heart weigh a Kilo.
An angel without a Robe,
Yet, she brings me joy.
That makes my smile reach my lobes,
And still she has more to deploy.
An angel without golden hair,
Yet, with her wisdom.
She knows how to take care,
Me and everyone else that comes.
An angel without light,
Yet, inside she glows.
That makes any night,
Run away and stay low.
An angel without a harp,
Yet her love is strong
She doesn’t take carp,
From anyone’s Idea’s that are wrong.
An angel with out a cloud,
Yet, her love is so true,
It makes me want to scream out loud,
I LOVE YOU!
current mood: crappy
current music: cletic
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| Tuesday, April 30th, 2002
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9:58 pm - LIfe
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Off I go. I guess I am going to sign up collage. NWTC with Joe this fall. I don't know how many class I will be going to. But I guess it will keep me busy. I guess it is kinda good news and kinda bad news. I get to go to shcool. But That means less time for My friends and Caren. As of now I feel like... well I don't know. I'm am like in a fantasy or close to one. My mind is going a hundered miles per hour. I am thinking of everything. I didn't feel like this in a long time. But I felt it before. I know I did. I guess I need to stop to. Sleep on it. But I want to jump out save someone make someone feel better. I want to draw a sword, gun, or just open my arms to make someone feel better. I guess I'll dream good tonight. Well I guess I should get off. I have to go to bed soon anyways. Well, I love you Caren. And good night to the rest of you all.
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Saturday, March 23rd, 2002
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1:32 am - AUUUUGGGGHHHH
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Now I want to go over there and back hand that bitch! GOd I understand what shot Caren has to go though now!!!!!!!
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(comment on this)
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1:20 am - GRRRRR!!!
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Lilmonkey041600: hey
Lilmonkey041600: ??
KDraco: Hiya!
Lilmonkey041600: hows it going?
KDraco: k u?
Lilmonkey041600: good, just back from seeing Blade 2
Lilmonkey041600: I didnt see blade 1, so i didnt really know whats going on... but it was good none the less
KDraco: lol ok
Lilmonkey041600: so yeeahh
KDraco: oook
KDraco: anythig else?
Lilmonkey041600: not really
Lilmonkey041600: Im boring
Lilmonkey041600: still no job :(
KDraco: ouch
KDraco: that sucks
KDraco: do me a favor
Lilmonkey041600: sure
Lilmonkey041600: anything for you... hehe
Lilmonkey041600: jk
KDraco: bug your mom about asking tom about Caren coming up her for spring vaction lol
Lilmonkey041600: I think they said it was ok... for a few days... but not all week
KDraco: hey-ooooo go easy on the drinks there lol
Lilmonkey041600: ??
KDraco: for the anything for you part lo
Lilmonkey041600: hehe
Lilmonkey041600: I was KIDDING
KDraco: lol I know :P so was I
Lilmonkey041600: I told my mom to let her go, it will be a nice quiet week!! I dont think i could stand her being home with me for a full week
Lilmonkey041600: >:o
Lilmonkey041600: :0
Lilmonkey041600: :)
KDraco: lol
KDraco: bugg her about that then
KDraco: I mean what will she do there anyways?
Lilmonkey041600: hell if i know
Lilmonkey041600: anything but study
KDraco: lol yea
Lilmonkey041600: she got another progress report the other day.... still failing math... end of the quarter was to day i believe... or next friday
KDraco: ouch that sucks
Lilmonkey041600: yeah
KDraco: anthing else?
Lilmonkey041600: but she still doesnt care
Lilmonkey041600: my mom said that when you bug her about school, she blames it on my mom and says she puts you up to it
Lilmonkey041600: a "conspiracy"
KDraco: No I bug her cuase of her
KDraco: that is how I think about it
Lilmonkey041600: cause of who?
KDraco: not becuase her mom thinks so
Lilmonkey041600: well, karen doesnt think that way
Lilmonkey041600: :-/
KDraco: well, I think I'll talk to her about it a little
Lilmonkey041600: yea
KDraco: ::sits:: anthing else she is doing bad in?
KDraco: or failing I should say
Lilmonkey041600: I dont know for sure... its "kept away from me", but then they leave it out... so i see it anyway
KDraco: well I hpoe not
Lilmonkey041600: pretty much everything except like gym and choral
Lilmonkey041600: History...
KDraco: well, I wish I can do something
KDraco: but it is her choice
Lilmonkey041600: I dont think theres anything anyone can do... she just doesnt care
Lilmonkey041600: and if i tell you this.... you cant tell her...
Lilmonkey041600: cause its not certain yet
KDraco: I won't
Lilmonkey041600: promise
KDraco: I promise
Lilmonkey041600: they're talking about sending her to a "boot camp school" type thing in about a year, unless she does a BIG turn around.... like attitude/school, everything, even that may not save her from going... shes pushed them that far
KDraco: ...heh
KDraco: well, honestly that won't do shit
Lilmonkey041600: why do you think that>
KDraco: ::grins::
Lilmonkey041600: ?
Lilmonkey041600: enlighten me please
KDraco: Beisdes the point, anyhow your all lucky that she isn't really bad
KDraco: look at her
Lilmonkey041600: ??
KDraco: I've seen much worse
KDraco: at her age
Lilmonkey041600: you dont live with her... you havent seen her "bad"
KDraco: oh Trust I can't see her doing anything as bad as peole I seen... ok give me her worse
Lilmonkey041600: my parents friends sent their son there, same situation... bad attitide, bad in school, he spent a year there, did excellent in school, a's and b's- better attitude, hes a lot better now
KDraco: wroks foe some but I doubt it will work for her, no what is her worse?
KDraco: works for*
Lilmonkey041600: screaming fits.... going over the deep end over stupid shit, "slitting her wrists" cutting holes in her closet, throwing shit at me, my mom, breaking shit, hurting us
Lilmonkey041600: kicking, biting, swearing
KDraco: ok first, she stopped hurting herself
KDraco: I made sure of that
Lilmonkey041600: so she has done that
KDraco: that was last year
KDraco: well she done it but that is over with
Lilmonkey041600: I had heard about it... no hard evidence tho
KDraco: Well you know your kid put alot of stress on her.... she is getting better over that
Lilmonkey041600: How does austin have anything to do with her??? Hes innocent here
KDraco: What she told me and what I seen, well... she need s a good bitching to at time
Lilmonkey041600: this all started WAY before anything having to do with austin came about
KDraco: Well it did made it worse
Lilmonkey041600: how is that
Lilmonkey041600: why
KDraco: you really want me to start?
Lilmonkey041600: yes
Lilmonkey041600: I have all nite
Lilmonkey041600: I want to know
KDraco: First she lost her dog
Lilmonkey041600: ok
KDraco: Lack of sleep
Lilmonkey041600: she didnt give a shit about the dog till we got rid of her
Lilmonkey041600: it was an excuse
KDraco: waking up every morning do to screaming
Lilmonkey041600: she never fed the dog, let her out, played or walked her
KDraco: I might not show effection to my cats much but when they leave I know I lost something
Lilmonkey041600: ok, i have lack of sleep, do i go blaming it on others?
KDraco: It is the idea that Austen sreaming did wake her up
KDraco: I can see that
Lilmonkey041600: he wasnt much of a screamer
Lilmonkey041600: most of the time, he cryed for no more than a minute or 2
KDraco: more then enough to wake my ass up
Lilmonkey041600: minus the first month... i spent all nite up cause he was collicky... downstairs
KDraco: Look it is a huge change
Lilmonkey041600: she bitches more about him now then she ever did before
KDraco: she isn't use to it like you
Lilmonkey041600: Im not saying it is
KDraco: you had to deal with caren as a baby
Lilmonkey041600: I think i am/should be more traumatiazed than she is/should be
Lilmonkey041600: that was 16 years ago
Lilmonkey041600: i was 4
Lilmonkey041600: that doesnt matter anything
KDraco: still small things like that do stuff to you
KDraco: even at that age
Lilmonkey041600: I lost everything, my freedom, school, my friends, the person i cared for most in the world
Lilmonkey041600: thats such a poor excuse
Lilmonkey041600: do u see where i am coming from?
KDraco: it isn't an excuse it is something
KDraco: You didn't much
Lilmonkey041600: we even took her to counseling... she "claims" to have issues... but she wont cooperate
KDraco: lose*
KDraco: you still have time
Lilmonkey041600: oh really
Lilmonkey041600: I didnt lose much
KDraco: you didn't fully lose your freedom
Lilmonkey041600: not fully
KDraco: you just drop it off to your mom and go off for a day
KDraco: not that hard
Lilmonkey041600: but I cant be a "kid" like most people my age
KDraco: yes you can
KDraco: my dad is still a 'kid' sadly
Lilmonkey041600: I;ve left him with my mom for a "day" like 2 times
Lilmonkey041600: in the last 2 years
KDraco: but you still do drop him of for hours at a time you don't always keep oeye on him
Lilmonkey041600: I go out on friday... usually after hes asleep
Lilmonkey041600: you have no idea what really goes on
KDraco: I got enough
KDraco: that isn't all
Lilmonkey041600: all you get is Karens twisted view of everything
KDraco: lot more
Lilmonkey041600: ok
KDraco: your mom and dad
KDraco: getting close to divorce
KDraco: that effacts a kid
Lilmonkey041600: they've been talking about it for years... longer than she knows about
Lilmonkey041600: it'll never happen
KDraco: I don't see what you all are whinning about.. I think you lived too good of a life, and caren being a little bratty isn't that bad
Lilmonkey041600: they care more than they let on
Lilmonkey041600: a little bratty
Lilmonkey041600: I think not
KDraco: they can be talking about it for years.. but still also it might get worse
Lilmonkey041600: you dont fucking live with her
KDraco: lol 've seen worse
KDraco: what you given me is nothing!
KDraco: I mean geeze screaming ooo my
Lilmonkey041600: look im not going to argue with you
KDraco: little fight in siblins?
KDraco: scary
KDraco: she doesn't do drugs
KDraco: she doesn't smoke
Lilmonkey041600: shes a fuckin psycho... deserves to be locked up
Lilmonkey041600: that you know of
KDraco: she doen't go off and fuck guys at age of 14
Lilmonkey041600: yet
KDraco: she doesn't havve nose rings and tattoos
KDraco: she doesn't havve a gun to kill people
KDraco: hell she iSI going to school
KDraco: IS*
Lilmonkey041600: oh but threatening with knives is any better?
Lilmonkey041600: ok she goes... but warming a seat isnt going to get her anywhere in life
KDraco: she doesn't bicth slap her mom all the time
Lilmonkey041600: all the time
Lilmonkey041600: words hurt more than actions sometimes
KDraco: she never threating with a nice
KDraco: knife*
Lilmonkey041600: and how do u know that
KDraco: and a pizza cutter isn't that scary
Lilmonkey041600: she tell you?
Lilmonkey041600: were you there when she threw a knife at me? np
Lilmonkey041600: and would she tell you that?
Lilmonkey041600: no
KDraco: Yea I heard the nice bruises you gave her
Lilmonkey041600: cause it makes her look bad...
KDraco: ... could be self defence
Lilmonkey041600: only when i have to
Lilmonkey041600: oh whatever
KDraco: lol I don't know you or her that starts it
Lilmonkey041600: and how does she come into the house in the after noon?
Lilmonkey041600: a ray of sunshine?
KDraco: You can't handle verbel abuse very well I noticed
Lilmonkey041600: no
Lilmonkey041600: a fucking black cloud in our lived
Lilmonkey041600: lives*
Lilmonkey041600: the black sheep of the family
KDraco: pisses you off too easily ... sometimes go into abuse
KDraco: Depends
KDraco: I don't see any black sheep
Lilmonkey041600: if she had a better attitude, things would be a lot easier for her
KDraco: yea tell her that nicely
Lilmonkey041600: you are seeing this from the outside... on her side... with all she tells you
KDraco: and your mom
KDraco: and you
Lilmonkey041600: she doesnt have any friends... except the few that are too dumb to run awat
KDraco: I heard alot for all sides but your dad and Austin
Lilmonkey041600: the ones that she only has time for when she needs sympathy
Lilmonkey041600: like andrew
KDraco: there you go... you wonder way she has something against you
Lilmonkey041600: that kid is too nice for her
KDraco: You don't do anything but make it worse at times
Lilmonkey041600: does she ever call him and want to go do something? No... unless she needs a shoulder to cry on... "oh poor me"
Lilmonkey041600: you obviously dont know her very well
KDraco: And useally the black sheep is the one that swells up like a clam not the mouthy one cuase she knows what is right and wrong
Lilmonkey041600: so dont ever try to tell me how it is
KDraco: She takes to him more oftne hten you think
KDraco: just not in person
KDraco: we have of fun times out with andrew and she doesn't cry on his shoulder
KDraco: ....look
KDraco: She is a teenager
KDraco: going though a teenager stage
KDraco: it happens all the time your just lucky it isn't worse
KDraco: You know what I heard on the news today
KDraco: A 14 year old kid name Nathen killed his own mother
KDraco: oh something else... give me a sec
Lilmonkey041600: you can talk all you want.. believe her "poor me" story all you want... you dont live with her... I pity you for your own stupidity.... I cant believe you dont see it... you'll realize it someday... it may be too late...
I'll give this to her the sec I find out her mail adress.
Something else. She never 'poor me' me. She talks to me and lets it out. Your just trying to make her look guilty like that. Infact half the time she doesn't tell me what she did intill way after it is over and done with. So how can she poor me that. I don't pity her. I give her credit. Alot has happened in your family. I've seen how all you acted with my own eyes. She is young and doesn't know how good she has it. You send her off to boot camp. Yea she'll come back with a better additude. But she'll look at all of you with haterd and mistrust for years to come. You and your mom both have the poor me additude too. Hearing your storys. Oh woe is me, a monster is at a house. Oh woe is me I can't have fun cause I fucked up. If Caren is a black sheep I hate to know what color you are. Jesus... I know a 14 year old that sits with her mother bitching at her while having a smoke and out of school at the same time. Now you think that is a kid that goes to boot camp. If you want to slove the problems the parents have to do it themselfs. Your mom has to stop spoiling her and you. I cant' belive the money she dishes out for both of you. God I have to give a kidney to my dad for something like that. Well, any how here is what she wrote on that day about you and the pizza cutter... might be surprizeing what she thinks about you. She does have some heart left for you.
I get home from school, just finished the testing, and the whore is here. My mom is also here, but she was on her way out the door. As soon as my mom left, the whore went up to her room to talk on the phone while Austin started taking his pants off and screaming. I would not have minded watching him for a few minutes if A) She would have asked me to. And B) If he was not taking his clothes off and screaming. So, I started yelling for her to come take care of her kid, because I did not have the patience to deal with him. After the third time, she finally came back down and
she starts cutting on me, being a tenth grader and all, the obvious response would be to defend yourself, so I gave he the usual line "At least I do not have a kid." What does she do? She gets off the phone, comes into the kitchen and kicks me as hard as she can on the thigh. I have a nice, noticeable bruise now because of that, so, I kicked her back. She leaves the room and after arguing with her over stupid things, she comes back in and smacks me across the head. So, I stood my ground, I got in her face, stood up straight, stared her in the eyes and would not move. I was holding a pizza cutter at the same time, so she went to smack me again, telling me to back down and when I would not she got closer to me and I lifted my hand. She grabbed my hand and told me not to go at her with the pizza cutter, I looked her in the eyes, again, and told her that I would NEVER go at her with a knife or any sharp object like that. I do not know why I bothered to do that; maybe I was hoping that she would realize that I do love her and that I do not want to hurt her. Anyway, it did not work, so she went into the other room and started crying and yelling at me about her problems. She was complaining about how I always get on her case about her having a kid and I told her that now she knows what it is like to have someone getting at you for the mistakes you make. She came back into the kitchen, smacked me one more time and started getting Austin ready to go. I told her that she was not going to get away with it and she said pretty much that she would. She told me that my mom was on her side and that when I turn 16 my mom is going to send me off to boot camp and that she cannot wait. The sad thing is that I believe that. Well, then she told me that I was going to get into more trouble than she would. I asked her what I was going to get into trouble for and she says "The usual." Meaning that she is going to lie to my parents and tell them probably that I tried killing her with the pizza cutter, when in real life, I only raised my hand with the pizza cutter in it. I would bother to defend myself, but either A) My dad is going to say, "I know how you can be." B) My dad is not going to care. OR
C) My mom and dad are going to believe my sister and I am going to be punished for her lies.
I am just tired of being punished or beat up every time the whore gets frustrated. I need to get out of here, because this place is literally hell on earth. I cannot even walk right because of this bruise on my leg, but that does not matter, I am supposed to be the psycho, fucked up one that asks for trouble around here, so it is ok. I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!!
I just wanted to take the phone from her hand and say to her friend, "She is so innocent, isn't she? The innocent little whore mother who beats people up or cuts them down whenever she gets frustrated, just to make herself feel better."
She thinks she knows so much about me that she even thinks that I have been sleeping with Keith. If she knew a thing about Keith and I, she would know that that is not true and that we have discussed it already. She thinks she can say that and it will be true... I do not think so. OH, then she tells me to keep out of her way and to watch my back. If she means to kill me, I think she should do it as soon as possible, because if I cannot run away from here, I would rather be dead than living here. I am sorry Keith, but it is very true. If I cannot get away from here and be with you, I would rather be dead.
current mood: angry
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, February 22nd, 2002
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12:55 am - I need to get a grip
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Well, dad came to me, drunk, but all in a since, truthful. First he talked to me about Caren, and that I should not waste so much energy on her but on myself on life. I should do something with the skills that I got. I need to go to school and get a real job. But lately I've been slacking in that. I know I can not give Caren up. I know that I may be young and she might be young too. I know this might not be true love. But, it is something I never really had before and I tend to keep it. But, that isn't going to stop me. After he talked to me. And told me how proud of he was of me. I thought badly of myself. I am wasting my skills. When I should be getting transcripts I am playing games. I have to get into a school, get a car and get a real job for school. Now I need more time. So I can get that as quick as I can. I am proud of my dad. I told him I talk about him all the time. And that is true. I do. I look up to him for everything. Love, life, everything. What ever he tells me that day I spend sharing that with my friends. I learn wisdom from him. Wrong and rights. Everything. I promised him that I will use what I got. So I will. But, at the same time. I will Take Caren with me. I know she has potential too. And I might as well show her the way as I get mine completed. So instead of playing games. I will be working my ass of to get my life on the right line. And I will take Caren with, to help and be helped by for my life. I will be busting my ass off. But it will pay. With a good life and hopefully love. I will not fail my dad. I love him.
current mood:  working
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| Sunday, February 10th, 2002
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2:49 am - Not even home
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It is late at night. And I am not even home. I am at my uncles. It was his birthday today and we had fun. Went to prime quarters and eat. But on the trip home the car broke. So I am stuck. Here at my uncles with no AIM. I couldn't talk to Caren today. I really really wanted to. And when I knew that I couldn't, it felt like a rock flopped on my chest. I hate that feeling. Cause that rock like feeling goes sometimes into pain for me. And I could only do two things to make it slightly better. Scream out loud or cry. And if I don't it builds more and more and the pain is greater and greater. For the whole day, when ever something I read, or is said, or something I saw. Relates to a girl, I get that miss feeling for Caren. Everything remeinded myslef about her. I wish I can call her, I wish I can go there. But I can't I have nothing untill friday.For my engagement I don't know if I went to fast or not.... but time can tell. I did what I felt. I also did to show how much I love Caren. I also did it for safty. For myself and Caren. Cause it is easier to get a guy/girl of your back for sex when you say you are engaged compare to Boy/girl friend thing. It is a huge step. But also it is a good test. Cause in that time you are engaged you are closer to that person and you still have time to think do I want her/him to be with me for the rest of my life? Less heart break and hassle then being married right away. Hopefully that will never happen between caren and I. I can't think of myself ever doing anything like that to Caren. She is too important to me to lose. And to think about her being lost from my arms...... Well... I break down in the thought. Haveing her, is like having the most important thing in life in your hands. You never want let go of it. You want to hold it tight so it won't slip away. She is more rare then any diamond out there. And I don't count on losing her during my lifetime. I love you Caren. I just hope you understand just how much you mean to me. I love you.
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